Twilight Zone: Miss Serensky losing her 100% passing rate

Good god, can I get a break already, if I have to drive one more mile in this I might keel over, which honestly, would not bother me too much, I could use a nap. At this point, I really wish spending the winter in the Keys or something did not seem as far fetched as a solid week of pleasant weather in good ol' Crosby, Maine. This snowstorm just makes me lust for a hot bath and a donut, or maybe a donut and a hot bath, oh I just can not decide! How could I possibly decide when both sound so- *thump*, oh for crying out lo- *thump* *thump* *thump*. I am far too old for this nonsense. Well, unless I want to ride my rim out to the point of extinction I should probably change this abominable excuse for- wait a minute. I do not change tires, Henry always changes the tires, and he left for New York, no, no, no, Olive, pull yourself together, someone will stop. After all, this is only a desolate road, in the middle of Maine...during a blizzard...OH GOD. No, no, stay strong sister, you can- oh, look, headlights, wonderful! "Need a hand, I worked on a pit crew for an amateur NASCAR fan racing rec league, I can get this baby pullin' tread in no time". "Oh my, well thank you darling, I just did not know what I would do had you not stopped"! I graciously replied, although the amateur NASCAR thing seems odd. "So, your name"? I asked. "They called me 'Buckin' Bobbie' back in the pit, but now I go by Joe-Bob, maybe a little bit of Miss Serensky here and there". "Well, what a, pretty name, Joe-Bob" I hesitantly lied, Joe-Bob, I don't even, must be a nickname, so many questions. "So what brings you around these parts, sort of out of the way of everything", I ask, trying to spark conversation over the whipping wind and snow. "Ya see, I teach an AP English class back down in this tiny town in Ohio, and I have a 100% passing rate, well, I DID. I just got the results back, and found out it dropped to a 99%". "Oh dear" I reply, confused. "A 99%, WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE, THEY TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE SOME SORT OF IGNORAMUS  UNACCEPTABLE, so I fled the state before I could become a mockery" she yelled with more force than a left hook from Mike Tyson. I stared, shocked, the tire still sat there, the tire iron trembling in Joe-Bob's bitter hands.

Take it or Leave it: Arguably Awry Advice

You may want to take the following advice I give to you and crumple it into a ball, set it on fire, then throw the ashes out the window. Because if anything, there exists no way to take on AP English head on and avoid any mishaps, as a matter of fact, if you have that mentality you will most likely trip over yourself and fail miserably, seriously, do not get cocky. Also, do not expect to succeed, no, one does not excel in AP English, Ms. Serensky just permits you not to fail. Furthermore, always write in pencil, it shows you can swim against the stream, look in the eye of danger and not even flinch, you can erase those mistakes instead of crossing them out, and if that does not get you hyped then go home. Oh another thing, just forget about home, because home does not exist as you know it any longer, room 30- whatever, has become your new home, because if you want an A, you have to devote every waking minute of your life to SOAPSTones and twenty minute essays. Speaking of those, the common misconception of SOAPSTone standing for speaker, occasion, audience, purpose, subject, and tone must get tossed immediately  What it really stands for: Satan, organizing, a, paper, similar to, torture. If you do not believe me then fine, you try writing like sixteen hundred of these over the span of two years and tell me how tolerable it feels. Slaving away in the ninth ring of hell for eternity will seem like better of the two evils real quick. OH, right, and make sure you follow good ol' Ms. Serensky on twitter, and always RT or favorite her tweets, its not brown nosing if it is virtual. Also, make sure you never do your blogs, ever, she respects thinking outside of the box, and if anything not doing assigned work stands as the epitome of that sort of thinking. Sure, technically I just told you that in a blog but I already told you not to listen so get over it. Ah, how could I forget, change your name to Leonardo DeCaprio, she will not only pass you, but give you 9+/10s on your essays, oh that does not exist? Sorry, who needs the advice here? You. So shh. Now, lastly, I would recommend procrastinating EVERYTHING, because if one thing exists that Ms. Serensky loves, it would come in the form of people who prioritize poorly and disregard efficiency. Take it from the master himself, she loves me more than oxygen and I will hit the submit button five minutes before the deadline. Call me crazy, I call it....well, crazy, yeah no other word for it, probably should stop doing that.

True Life: My Writing Partner Hates Me

Wow yeah, what a great point, really, spectacular logic on that one. I wonder if he can even pick up on sarcasm. "That was good"! Ha. Yes. Nailed it. He suspects nothing, I feel as if I come off too, hang on, I can not think of the word, oh yeah, "nice". Whatever that means, dear god if I have to sit next to this oaf for one more day begrudgingly tossing out another "good point" or "I see what you mean" I think I might snap. But no, snapping does not stand as an option, cool and collected, I can do this, only about, what, 12 days of school left, no prob- ARE YOU KIDDING ME, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT STOOD AS A SYMBOL FOR SOCIETY'S STRUGGLE TO CONFORM. Honestly, I think I might not even belong in the same classroom as him. How did he get into this class to begin with, I feel like some money exchanged hands somewhere in the recommendation process because listening to his writing makes me want to drink bleach. Or make him drink bleach, no, too far, cool and collected. Possibly I think too harshly on occasion, maybe that could stand as a symbol for society's struggle to...I can not even think this with a straight face, a rock with a pen taped too it would make me more confident in my partnership. I think every time I sit next to him my IQ drops a point or ten, the struggle, oh well, at least I can learn something from Ms. Serensky. Oh wait, Ms. Seresnky, do not even get me started. Okay, too late, I started, the nerve of her, the audacity oh her to pair me with someone who does not even write his annotations neatly on post-it notes like me, he writes IN his book, like some peasant. Does Ms. Serensky not realize that I do not work with, with PEASANTS. Ugh, well at least he comes prepared...OH WAIT..."Hey, do you mind if I borrow a pen"? Sure, sure, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BORROW MY BOOK TOO, OH HERE, MIGHT AS WELL JUST TAKE MY BACKPACK. "Oh, sorry this is my only one", ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA. I have a pouch in my superfluously organized backpack dedicated to the sole purpose of housing my plethora of fine pens, and he truly thinks he deserves to lay his grubby salad fingers on them!? Psh, what a twit, if he even dares to ask for my college-ruled Five Star exquisite wood grain paper I will- "Hey, do you have any paper I could borrow"? I wonder if he can see the steam coming out of my ears, maybe my face, which I assume looks as cherry-red with anger as it feels drops the hint well enough for me to not have to say anything. "Anna"? "Sure, haha, of course you can"! How can he not notice my hand quivering with anger, oh right, because his head has more density than a block of solid concrete. This makes me feel like I have a pan-handler sitting next to me day in and day out "Spare some paper. Spare a pen"? SPARE A PIECE OF DIGNITY AND STOP FORGETTING YOUR SCHOOL SUPPLIES YOU ARROGANT APE. Ahhh, that feels better. Wait, what the...what's with all the staring...why do they all have that look on their face,  dear god, I need to stop thinking out loud.

How I Will Become the Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bagels, or Bread, Whatever, I Forget How it Goes

One factor I invariably keep in mind: originality. Originality with a style, originality with an essay, originality regarding which toppings I get on my burrito at Chipotle. Yes, how original of me to declare originality as a trait with which I strive for. I know I come off as the kind of guy who has about as much originality as the dude who put on a backwards bathrobe, called it a "Snuggie" and made millions. However, I must say, I do pose a few unique traits which I would not mind contributing to my legacy in college. I would like to think of myself as an afficianado of sorts when it comes to hatching ridiculous plans running with the idea, whether or not it guarantees the safety and/or sanity of myself or others. Sometimes something as simple as going for a run in a thunderstorm comes to mind, or sometimes something more extravagant like trying to organize a flashmob in town at 3am on a Sunday (the thought has gone through my mind). Case in point, I like to think of crazy stuff to occupy
any wasted brain space not getting put to use, which always ends in an adventure, and who does not like adventure, no one, absolutely no one. Thus, I think based on the fact that nobody else has the ignorance to attempt heinously stupid plans like myself, and at least live to tell the tale, I must have some originality to me. Not to mention, everyone wants to make friends with the guy masterminding the Guinness World Record for the world's largest dance-off (the plan still has some kinks I have to work out i.e. nobody I know can dance), so needless to say everyone will bow down to me in affection. I suppose if I had to pinpoint another quality from my vast array of amiable characteristics, I would have to center in on the fact that I can sail, seeing as I was not gifted with hand-eye coordination like most people football, baseball, heck, even soccer became out of the question. So I picked spending my time in boats, cool eh? By the time girls get to college they have seen it all, they probably met their fair share of football jocks, or lax bro's, what they need: a refreshing change, that change: moi. A guy who can sail boats, how much more random could one get when it comes to picking a sport no one ever even thinks about. And thus, I shall use that off the beaten path talent to attract the female's, not that I need to, I mean look at me, I look like the long lost love-child of George Clooney and Marilyn Monroe. Truth aside, you can meet a lot of interesting people when they look you in the eye and say with a sense of profound confusion "you sail, like in boats, on like water"? Which brings me to last quality, actually, no it really does not, this did not serve as a good segway at all. Whatever, finally, I love cats, did you know that? Sure you did. One thing that every human being on this rock loves: not world peace, not bacon, not free samples, not oxygen, but cats.  I can walk in to my first class sporting my renowned cat shirt, heads will turn to get a glance of the almighty aura that shall surround my belittling presence. I will have people falling to their knees when I flash them a picture of my flirtatious felines, I will have so many people lining up just to get a chance to shake my hand I could start charging and turn it into a fortune 500 company. Thus, using a mix of my horrible ideas, knowledge of sailboats, and alarming over-association with cats, I can climb my way to the top of campus-social life, maybe start a frat in my honor, my legacy has just begun.

Sizzling Advice from Sista Serensky

"My boyfriend wants to break up, but I dont"

Mmm, yes, I can see where the problem lies here, fortunately, I have just the right motivator to help you with this, dire, dire, issue. Allow me to present to you my sassy alter ego, Sista Serensky. I will now leave you two to discuss your trials and tribulations (heads up, quite a fiesty one, to say the least).
GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, uh-uh, you really want this man?! You, want him!? You listen up sister, this pig clearly does not deserve to pull on your heart strings, he does not even deserve to poke at them a little bit. You know why? Because little miss sunshine over here can shine on without dwelling on a disconcerted meat-head who will not even give you the time of day! Listen to yourself woman, you really think I will rattle off a magical secret formula that you can use to conjure your “man” into falling in your pretty little arms again?! Uh-uh, think again, Cinderella stories stopped applying to real-life on your ninth birthday sweetheart. The only way you will get this morally inept hunk back is with a rag of chloroform and handcuffs, which, even disregarding the possible prison sentence, would require a stupid amount of effort. So look me here in the eyes, drop this clown, drop him like its hot, drop him like Michael J. Fox trying to hold an egg in a spoon. I guarantee he moved on days before he even decided to muster up his arrogance enough to tell you of his decision to leave you in the dust. Unless you want to latch on to his ankles like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum on his mom after getting dropped off at day-care then brush off this chump like the dirt off your shoulder. You need a re-evaluation, a wake-up call, hear that? That piercing shriek in your ear, nope, not that soccer mom screaming like a banshee because you cut off her minivan in the express lane, but the sound of your consciousness cursing you for losing sleep over the guy who forgot your name two weeks ago. Listen to your mind, imagine your mind as your grandma, smacking those cute little knuckles with a wooden spoon for eating desert before dinner, I bet it hurts. GOOD. It should hurt, I want it to hurt, because you know what will really hurt? Confessing your undying love for mister congeniality over here in a last ditch effort to win him back and then watch his ignorant lips curl into an “it’s not you it’s me”. HONEY, if you get hung up on him, sitting at home pounding down pints of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia while he hits the clubs getting hung up on god knows who pounding down god knows what then who do you think feels worse here? Mmmmhmm, not him, not Monsieur man candy, so chin up sweetcheeks, and repeat after me in a sassy black woman voice “I AM A STRONG AND IN-DE-PEN-DENT WOMAN AND I DON’T. NEED. NO. MAN”! Feel better? I know you do, now get out there, call up your gals, put down the ice cream (maybe after the next bite), and hit the town, make him the one sitting at home sobbing over ice cream, go out and get it gurl, work what you got.

Honing in on Heroism

Black Hawk Down, a true account of the 1993 Battle of Mogadishu, Somalia in which 18 American Delta Force operators, Army Rangers, and Navy SEALs lost their lives making it the largest combat loss of American troops in any single battle since Vietnam. The precedents of heroism and sacrifice that took place during this battle left me speechless, I could not help but marvel at the valor with which the servicemen fought through such brutality and violence. For me, Black Hawk Down altered the image of the fearless invincible American soldier whom I so innocently imagined, not in a negative sense, but gave that image emotions, humanity, compassion, a respectable endowment to fear. I finished the movie with a renewed outlook on the human conflict associated with war, the struggle not to just stay alive and protect yourself as I had once believed, but to fight for the person next to you and gift him the opportunity to return home. For me, the movie withdrew a primal instinct with which I never quite realized I had in me, an odd sense of realization that fighting does not just entail survival but promise. Promises that a soldier makes to his comrades to ensure that they can make it on the plane back home and catch their child's fourth birthday, or to see their wife standing in the threshold of their home teary-eyed waiting for their triumphant return. The irony of this comes with the fact that I have never come close to experiencing even a slight hint of the bonds they share, not even a tinge of relativity, as to the way they endure, not only literally, but mentally and emotionally as well. This movie portrayed the heartache to war, the atrocities, the unnecessary  casualties, everything wrong with the way humans resolve conflict. Yet, just as beautifully as it shows the horror and the gore, it shows valor and camaraderie with which the men persevered, and although the suffered losses beyond measure they triumphed against all odds by holding out together. While other war movies glorify the image of the United States in all its glory, "Black Hawk Down" glorified the soldiers behind that image, the actual person under that uniform, and therein lays the reason this film rests on a pedestal for me. Because it exemplifies that the true valor that our soldiers bolster does not rest in their iconic image the media broadcasts, but the underlying grit and perseverance instilled in them as human beings.

What's Poppin'?

The grumbling tween rose from bed
only to find a supple and moist white head
perched atop his brow he ran his fingers over the outer crust
he fondles the chunky formation with a questionable lust
not often does an abscess of this magnitude squish its way into vision
this necessitates excretion with precision
with fortitude and concentration he squeezes the boil
the puss oozes, the excrement dripping out with little toil
as he evicts the last residual dribble
he spots some left over debris, and decides to take a nibble

Alright, well first off, I felt the need to gag profusely just by writing this monstrosity of a poem. I attempted to picture the most vile subject I could think of that still withholds the title of "school appropriate" and popping a fat zit immediately came to mind. In writing about this taboo, and rightfully so, topic I attempted to use completely over descriptive diction and imagery to convey my sense of total and utter discomfort and/or slight nausea. Before writing, or even knowing my subject matter, I brainstormed a list of the most grotesque and phonically unsettling words I could imagine. Then after analyzing and reducing my list to the top ten most vile pieces of diction, I meticulously crafted each adverb, adjective, and noun into the most gut-wrenching imagery you pubescent angst one could imagine. In depicting popping a pimple, which alone makes me feel a slight shift in my seat and vehemently describing every moment of it I can effectively make appetites vanish. For instance, just listen to this word: "pus", yeah, ew, so logically a whole poem concerning this must singe one's comfort zone into a menial pile of ashen hopelessness, and therein lies my poem's beauty.