Take it or Leave it: Arguably Awry Advice

You may want to take the following advice I give to you and crumple it into a ball, set it on fire, then throw the ashes out the window. Because if anything, there exists no way to take on AP English head on and avoid any mishaps, as a matter of fact, if you have that mentality you will most likely trip over yourself and fail miserably, seriously, do not get cocky. Also, do not expect to succeed, no, one does not excel in AP English, Ms. Serensky just permits you not to fail. Furthermore, always write in pencil, it shows you can swim against the stream, look in the eye of danger and not even flinch, you can erase those mistakes instead of crossing them out, and if that does not get you hyped then go home. Oh another thing, just forget about home, because home does not exist as you know it any longer, room 30- whatever, has become your new home, because if you want an A, you have to devote every waking minute of your life to SOAPSTones and twenty minute essays. Speaking of those, the common misconception of SOAPSTone standing for speaker, occasion, audience, purpose, subject, and tone must get tossed immediately  What it really stands for: Satan, organizing, a, paper, similar to, torture. If you do not believe me then fine, you try writing like sixteen hundred of these over the span of two years and tell me how tolerable it feels. Slaving away in the ninth ring of hell for eternity will seem like better of the two evils real quick. OH, right, and make sure you follow good ol' Ms. Serensky on twitter, and always RT or favorite her tweets, its not brown nosing if it is virtual. Also, make sure you never do your blogs, ever, she respects thinking outside of the box, and if anything not doing assigned work stands as the epitome of that sort of thinking. Sure, technically I just told you that in a blog but I already told you not to listen so get over it. Ah, how could I forget, change your name to Leonardo DeCaprio, she will not only pass you, but give you 9+/10s on your essays, oh that does not exist? Sorry, who needs the advice here? You. So shh. Now, lastly, I would recommend procrastinating EVERYTHING, because if one thing exists that Ms. Serensky loves, it would come in the form of people who prioritize poorly and disregard efficiency. Take it from the master himself, she loves me more than oxygen and I will hit the submit button five minutes before the deadline. Call me crazy, I call it....well, crazy, yeah no other word for it, probably should stop doing that.

True Life: My Writing Partner Hates Me

Wow yeah, what a great point, really, spectacular logic on that one. I wonder if he can even pick up on sarcasm. "That was good"! Ha. Yes. Nailed it. He suspects nothing, I feel as if I come off too, hang on, I can not think of the word, oh yeah, "nice". Whatever that means, dear god if I have to sit next to this oaf for one more day begrudgingly tossing out another "good point" or "I see what you mean" I think I might snap. But no, snapping does not stand as an option, cool and collected, I can do this, only about, what, 12 days of school left, no prob- ARE YOU KIDDING ME, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT STOOD AS A SYMBOL FOR SOCIETY'S STRUGGLE TO CONFORM. Honestly, I think I might not even belong in the same classroom as him. How did he get into this class to begin with, I feel like some money exchanged hands somewhere in the recommendation process because listening to his writing makes me want to drink bleach. Or make him drink bleach, no, too far, cool and collected. Possibly I think too harshly on occasion, maybe that could stand as a symbol for society's struggle to...I can not even think this with a straight face, a rock with a pen taped too it would make me more confident in my partnership. I think every time I sit next to him my IQ drops a point or ten, the struggle, oh well, at least I can learn something from Ms. Serensky. Oh wait, Ms. Seresnky, do not even get me started. Okay, too late, I started, the nerve of her, the audacity oh her to pair me with someone who does not even write his annotations neatly on post-it notes like me, he writes IN his book, like some peasant. Does Ms. Serensky not realize that I do not work with, with PEASANTS. Ugh, well at least he comes prepared...OH WAIT..."Hey, do you mind if I borrow a pen"? Sure, sure, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BORROW MY BOOK TOO, OH HERE, MIGHT AS WELL JUST TAKE MY BACKPACK. "Oh, sorry this is my only one", ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA. I have a pouch in my superfluously organized backpack dedicated to the sole purpose of housing my plethora of fine pens, and he truly thinks he deserves to lay his grubby salad fingers on them!? Psh, what a twit, if he even dares to ask for my college-ruled Five Star exquisite wood grain paper I will- "Hey, do you have any paper I could borrow"? I wonder if he can see the steam coming out of my ears, maybe my face, which I assume looks as cherry-red with anger as it feels drops the hint well enough for me to not have to say anything. "Anna"? "Sure, haha, of course you can"! How can he not notice my hand quivering with anger, oh right, because his head has more density than a block of solid concrete. This makes me feel like I have a pan-handler sitting next to me day in and day out "Spare some paper. Spare a pen"? SPARE A PIECE OF DIGNITY AND STOP FORGETTING YOUR SCHOOL SUPPLIES YOU ARROGANT APE. Ahhh, that feels better. Wait, what the...what's with all the staring...why do they all have that look on their face,  dear god, I need to stop thinking out loud.

How I Will Become the Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bagels, or Bread, Whatever, I Forget How it Goes

One factor I invariably keep in mind: originality. Originality with a style, originality with an essay, originality regarding which toppings I get on my burrito at Chipotle. Yes, how original of me to declare originality as a trait with which I strive for. I know I come off as the kind of guy who has about as much originality as the dude who put on a backwards bathrobe, called it a "Snuggie" and made millions. However, I must say, I do pose a few unique traits which I would not mind contributing to my legacy in college. I would like to think of myself as an afficianado of sorts when it comes to hatching ridiculous plans running with the idea, whether or not it guarantees the safety and/or sanity of myself or others. Sometimes something as simple as going for a run in a thunderstorm comes to mind, or sometimes something more extravagant like trying to organize a flashmob in town at 3am on a Sunday (the thought has gone through my mind). Case in point, I like to think of crazy stuff to occupy
any wasted brain space not getting put to use, which always ends in an adventure, and who does not like adventure, no one, absolutely no one. Thus, I think based on the fact that nobody else has the ignorance to attempt heinously stupid plans like myself, and at least live to tell the tale, I must have some originality to me. Not to mention, everyone wants to make friends with the guy masterminding the Guinness World Record for the world's largest dance-off (the plan still has some kinks I have to work out i.e. nobody I know can dance), so needless to say everyone will bow down to me in affection. I suppose if I had to pinpoint another quality from my vast array of amiable characteristics, I would have to center in on the fact that I can sail, seeing as I was not gifted with hand-eye coordination like most people football, baseball, heck, even soccer became out of the question. So I picked spending my time in boats, cool eh? By the time girls get to college they have seen it all, they probably met their fair share of football jocks, or lax bro's, what they need: a refreshing change, that change: moi. A guy who can sail boats, how much more random could one get when it comes to picking a sport no one ever even thinks about. And thus, I shall use that off the beaten path talent to attract the female's, not that I need to, I mean look at me, I look like the long lost love-child of George Clooney and Marilyn Monroe. Truth aside, you can meet a lot of interesting people when they look you in the eye and say with a sense of profound confusion "you sail, like in boats, on like water"? Which brings me to last quality, actually, no it really does not, this did not serve as a good segway at all. Whatever, finally, I love cats, did you know that? Sure you did. One thing that every human being on this rock loves: not world peace, not bacon, not free samples, not oxygen, but cats.  I can walk in to my first class sporting my renowned cat shirt, heads will turn to get a glance of the almighty aura that shall surround my belittling presence. I will have people falling to their knees when I flash them a picture of my flirtatious felines, I will have so many people lining up just to get a chance to shake my hand I could start charging and turn it into a fortune 500 company. Thus, using a mix of my horrible ideas, knowledge of sailboats, and alarming over-association with cats, I can climb my way to the top of campus-social life, maybe start a frat in my honor, my legacy has just begun.